How to Love

Being a New Yorker is hard. 
Being a single female in New York is harder.
But being a skeptical, jaded, single, New York City girl with an open mind about love is the hardest.

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The idea of opening your heart and finding love - any kind of love - is hard to fathom. This includes the idea of love, a potential future of love, flirting your way into love... a lovah... alladem. All I'm saying is if you've been in love (big love) and you've been hurt (which is everyone), then it's nearly impossible to drop your guard, open up your heart and let someone new in.

Case in point - one of my lovely girl friends. She's a super kind, super gorgeous girl with a huge badonkadonk and a skinny waist and a ton of love to give. And she's extra single. Why? She's not sure and neither am I. But then one day over a few glasses of chianti she told me "I don't let guys touch me on the first date."

"Not even hold your hand?" I shouted.

"No!"

"What do you mean, 'no'!?" Now, I should state that this conversation went around in more circles than necessary - likely due to the chianti. 

"I don't let guys touch me because all of that is intimate. Holding my hand is very intimate." I was a little dumbstruck. I guess I understood her point, but my first thought was who used to hold your hand and why was it so damn intimate. I immediately asked her if she'd allow a first kiss - arguably the best part of any evening with a new guy after a fun date.

"No!"

"No??!!!!? Ghurl, please!" Clearly, we dissolved into giggles here but through the laughter she told me she was absolutely serious. That if any man touched her on a first date, or a second or even a third, she'd cut them off and move onto the next one. 



What is it about girls and our inability to let go and open up? While we're working on saving ourselves from getting hurt again, we're also becoming brilliant at self-sabotage.

Personally, I have one of the best leave me alone side eyes this side of the Hudson, but it might be deterring perfectly fine men from coming up and saying hello. Demetria Lucas of A Belle in Brooklyn has devoted part of her debut book to helping women open up. It involves something as simple as a smile. So I've been getting my practice on to see if it really does work.

"Damn, you ladies and your boots. Stompin' all over my damn heart," a man said to me on the A train platform at West 4th Street on Monday evening. I turned my head and smiled at him, taking the time to size him up. Nothing about him was my type, but what's really in a type anyway? 

"Oh man, and that smile! Just damn." And with that he smiled, tipped his hat, and walked away.

Now what was so hard about that?


Unless you're dense or not of this generation, you understand the title of this post is inspired by this song. 

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Girl About Town: Fabsugar x Frye x Bloomies

Saturdays are often classified as "Maiah Days." 

They usually involve minding my own business, shopping, indulging in manicures and pedicures, and roaming the city. I live for these days.

Excuse the iPhone photo!

On the 22nd, I added a quick bit of fashion fun to my weekend routine by attending a cute event thrown by the FabSugar girls. They partnered with Frye and Bloomingdales (59th Street Location) for a small little celebration. Between how much I adore the Sugar, Inc blogs and how much I love my Frye Boots, it was a no-brainer that I'd have to attend.

The event was intimate. It occupied a small corner of the Shoes on 2nd area of Bloomies and was booming with women. A DJ played smooth beats while we oogled at the boots and models posed - each in an outfit with a pair of Frye boots styled by a FabSugar editor.

The super casual nature offered a nice event experience. While I didn't stay long, I did enjoy myself. I sipped on some bubbly, entered to win a pair of boots for myself, and drooled over the Carmen Harness Short Boot and the Dorado Lug Riding Boot. I'm a proud owner of the Jane, but should I ever find myself in need of another pair of leather riding boots, I'm going Dorado... or Carmen... or Dorado. 

I was tempted to try a few boots on but there were Frye fanatics everywhere. After hugging the Dorado goodbye, I made my way back to the streets of midtown. But not before trying on a few pieces of David Yurman. Clearly, this girl has a shopping problem.

P.S. Many thanks to Cristina at Sugar, Inc. for the kind email!

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iCovet // 10.22.11

Aw yeah. 

My favorite things this week. 

I know the week's not over, but it's been saturated with goodness and I'm bursting at the seams.

1

Lush drinks with colleagues and a client at the semi-new Chelsea hotspot, Duo.

French Martinis are still everything.

2

An afternoon in midtown NYC. I'm a sucker for midtown.

3

A quiet escape with a latte and a decadent treat in Juan Valdez.

4

 An important reminder to forget about just black and white...

(even though all black everything is everything.)

❤

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My Love Is Like ... Clay?

I get my eyebrows threaded at this great little hole in the wall place in Astoria on Broadway. I love it because the prices are cheap ($6), the women don't talk much, it always smells like incense (which reminds me of my father's man cave), and there's always some sort of Bollywood movie playing on repeat. As I closed my eyes and settled in for the threading, I started to reminisce on my previous obsession with Bollywood... it fell parallel to a man I was dating at the time.

We met at a Central Park picnic. I slipped in mud and he cleaned my foot with ice. That's when I knew he was putty in my hands. He showed up at my birthday party a few weeks later and we were inseparable from then on. On my favorite date with him, we ended up at a gorgeous UES restaurant where he ordered everything for me (something some women hate but I happen to love). Several of the items were more traditional, and not on the more America-friendly menu. It was at that point that I fell in love with his culture and thought of myself as an "insider". My Netflix queue held a disproportionate amount of Bollywood movies, I cooked Bhindi Masala and Baingan Bharta like it was part of me, and when I went out to dinner, I ordered off the menu like I knew what I was talking about. He introduced me to the smooth sounds of The Gotan Project, a quirky Parisian electro/nuevo-tango group.

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In 2005 I studied abroad in London and met the former love of my life, referred to on the blog as Old Flame. He introduced me to the real London, he showed me the joys of the outer city and the underbelly of Harrod's (he was a pastry chef there) and as we dated, I felt myself growing. It might have just been me getting fat because he was a pastry chef and was always feeding me treats. It also might have been my heart exploding, which was an unfamiliar feeling at the time (also known as "falling in love"). Regardless, I was hooked and as a result, I started to mold myself to him. While in London I started baking uncontrollably. I ran around the Harrod's food halls like I owned the place, and I toyed with the idea of permanently to the UK daily. Because of his Parisian roots, I vowed to learn French - I even took adult language classes at night after school when I returned to the states.. He introduced me to Cornielle, a French R&B crooner with family in Germany, Rwanda and Canada.

I mean, the examples could go on, and on, and on. The more I got to thinking about it, the more curious I became about how I change as I date. Thinking about this on Sunday afternoon, I took to my iTunes and ran through my music. Unchecked song after unchecked song brought back memories of a lover, an ex-boyfriend, or a situation that ended in tears. I realized that my iTunes steadily reflects exactly who I've dated. The timestamp of their download date highlights when we were together, and the missing check is an easy indication of their departure.

Being a music head, my initial thoughts were sadness towards all of the wasted music. You're supposed to grow and change, and your realities are supposed to be expanded when you date someone. But the more I reflected I couldn't help but wonder... how much is too much?

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iCovet // 10.14.11

A weekly recap of the items I've been coveting. The items that have made me smile.

... My mini one-week obsessions. And I'm sharing them with you because sharing is caring.

1

Saint Patrick's Cathedral

Escaped from an event in midtown and visited this gorgeous spot in Midtown. I love finding surprising spaces like this in the city - a great reminder to keep exploring.

2

Asa

I was introduced to Asa by one half of the super-foodie-blogger duo, Chelsee of We Are Not Martha.

The singer has just released her sophomore album, Beautiful Imperfection. However, I'd like to note that it is actually, beautiful perfection.

3

The Simply Luxurious Life

A luxuriously lovely lifestyle blog with gorgeous imagery and smart tips for today's woman.

4

Sally Hansen Salon Effects

The perfect way to sass up a Friday afternoon at work.

❤

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Reed Between the Lines

Not sure if I've been very clear about this in the past but, just in case I haven't, I want to be very clear about it right now: I love me some Tracee Ellis Ross. As in, I will watch marathon after marathon of Girlfriends reruns on BET and Centric just to get my Joan/Tracee fix. The woman is a beautiful comedic genius - hard to come across in general, but especially in the black community.

So, with the buzz surrounding the new BET series, Reed Between The Lines, I was thrilled and excited for the return of my #girlcrush to the boob tube. Tracee plays Dr. Carla Reed, a psychologist with what seems to be a thriving practice and a super handsome hubby in NYU English professor, Dr. Alex Reed. Alex is played by Malcolm-Jamal Warner of Cosby Show Fame where he played heartthrob, Theo.

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The show is pretty incredible for BET programming. It's very exciting to watch BET resurface as a hub for black folks promoting several exciting shows (either re-signed or brand new). Most importantly, it's exciting to see a show like Reed Between The Lines take primetime on Tuesday night. 

I once wrote that Demetria Lucas's book, A Belle In Brooklyn, was the perfect outlet for a bougie girl like me. I feel the same exact way about Reed Between The Lines. It's a wonderfully positive representation of successful black people in a super happy marriage. That said, the show is a very realistic take on life with Carla, a former single mother of twins who is still dealing with her ex-files*. She shares an adorable 7-year-old with her main squeeze. The show chronicles the daily trials of two working professionals, raising children, and keeping their marriage fruitful.

The most exciting bit about the show is the fact that I feel like we're receiving Cosby Show lessons for a 2011 audience. It's not entirely coincidence that the Reeds home seems to carry echoes of the Cosby's. Warner notes in an interview with BET: That was definitely the mold we were going for. When you look at the history of Black sitcoms throughout the course of television I think, for the most part, they kind of all fit around the same category. But when you look at The Cosby Show — that fits into a category all in itself. From the onset, we’ve been pretty clear that we’re trying to go for that other category.  


I'm excited to go on the journey with the Reed family. The first two episodes aired in a double header tonight, and they lived up to the hype. I can honestly say my Tuesday evening television line up now includes Reed Between The Lines for as long as it's on the air.

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Is the Internet Ruining Our Future Relationships?

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I keep hearing these stories by my friends about the various ways in which the internet is causing strain on either a potential or current relationship. So much so that I felt the need to sit down and write about it.

I think it's becoming an epidemic. We meet someone organically, then we learn about them in an inorganic way through Google, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever else is out there. Pick your poison, either way we're gaining intimate knowledge too quickly.

In short, the answer is yes the internet is ruining our relationships. But, in talking with Dushane of The Post Cool about the issue, he brought up an important point:

Is it ruining relationships or saving you from future tragic discoveries? 


Perhaps he's right. In an episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stranger sent NFL player Freddie Mitchell on what was supposed to be an enjoyable date with a southern belle and former cheerleader. The date ended in shock when she confessed she googled him and called the millionaire out for not paying child support. This is likely a subject that would have been broached in conversation when the time was right. Because she googled him, it was inappropriately brought up on their first date and signaled the demise of their budding relationship. Perhaps she avoided a future tragic discovery, but in the meantime, she also put the fire out on what could have been a fun and exciting relationship between two former athletes.

A friend of mine recently confessed that she'd gotten to googling a date just hours before they were due to meet. After searching a number of articles, she found several that mentioned his wife and children. She panicked, and cancelled the date immediately. We ran through our options quickly: "When was the article written?" I asked. She wasn't sure. "Maybe he's since divorced or separated..." I suggested but it was too late, the damage was done and the date stayed cancelled.

I've been crushing on a man at my gym recently. We flirt by the weights and I always practice my highest kicks if he's walking by the Total Body Fitness class. I'm gonna go ahead and classify this as love at first highkick. I knew his first name and that he lived in Queens, so I took to google. After a bit of digging, I found his MySpace page. MySpace? Really? I clicked around and found a series of notes written by my gymcrush, all written in full capitals with no punctuation and spelling errors galore. Needless to say, now, when I see gymcrush I think "why do you still have a MySpace" and "did you go to college?". Clearly, we're going nowhere fast.

I have no clue what's right and what's wrong in this situation. However, I do know that if you go looking for dirt you're bound to get dirty. While we may be saving ourselves from future tragic discoveries, we're also forfeiting the life changing moments (both good and bad) of going through a relationship. Regardless of the outcome, you're often changed for the better.

Now, is that really so bad? 

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Steve Jobs

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iSmile Monday

As a nod to the wonderful musical artist of the greatest feel good hit from 1990's musical genius, Shanice, I'm instituting "iSmile Mondays" on Writing with Wine.

The truth is, everyone needs to smile. It brings out all the good endorphins. But even more so, we all need extra smiles on Mondays. Here's what's making me smile today:

 

gorgeous fountain in lincoln center

beautiful sunset and view of the skyline from my bedroom window

card from my grandmother

fresh flowers on my bookcase

❤

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