Saturday, June 25, 2011

A Visual Liar?

The chapter* starts like this:

[Devin] told me about a woman he met at the club. She wore a long (good) weave, a tight dress, makeup, and high heels. In a relatively sober state, Devin exchanged numbers with her early in the night. The next week, they talked on the phone, and he deduced she was “cool.” When he finally met up with her for drinks at Ava Lounge on the rooftop of the Dream hotel, she had on flats, her hair pulled back, a cute casual shirt and jeans and was wearing little makeup. She’d just come from the office. They hung out for the night, but he never called her again.
“She was a visual liar,” he explained.
A visual liar? I thought to myself... this can’t be real.

So, I went about constructing my own Male Mind Squad (a group of men who form Demetria Lucas' sounding board), expect it’s much smaller and will from here on out be called my Male Choir. Well... It's actually a (well rounded) Male Duo of just just Du and Jah but the sentiment is the same.

Over hookah, I laid out the scene above, but added my own embellishments (black girl bun, boring jeans and a t), and waited for Du’s response.

“Just be prepared to know you (aka women) would be taking a huge L.” No further explanation. Just plain and clear.

Damn. Really? I couldn’t understand! I love to get dressed up on a Saturday night, but also enjoy a cold beer in jeans and a tee for Wednesday happy hour. Is this mesh of "lives" really such a huge faux paux?

I later took this question to Jah, who said “Everyone is guilty of going a little further and doing a little extras to make an impression on a significant other. It’s natural to want to look good and do things that will possibly ensure your date goes well and that it leads to a relationship of some sort… But can you imagine going to sleep next to a princess and waking up next to a mud duck? It’s not okay.”

Now this is why I love my budding male chorus – blunt, honest, and to the point.

Both Jah and Du agreed that there’s a time and a place for the jeans-and-t girl, and the little-black-dress girl. What’s even better? “A girl that can switch it up and still catch my attention. I like heels, flats, sneakers, jeans, leggings, skirts, and dresses. There is definitely room for both in my opinion.”

It seems like there's a balance that needs to be found between wanting to impress and wanted to realistically find & keep someone. After hashing it out with my boys, I decided to  to the big guns, Jamie, Editor of the super cool online magazine for guys entitled Dude Society. If Jah and Dushane are my chorus (read: duo), then Jamie is the conductor. He doles out the following tips/things to consider for those looking to meet their future mate:
On meeting people: For men and women, if you are looking for a relationship, the chances of meeting that person when you're "going out" for the night to a bar, or club, or where ever, is slim. It's loud, it's crowded, & people are putting on an act. So, if you meet a dude in this context, even if a date is arranged, the chance of it panning out is really a roll of the dice.

On staying true: Yes, there are some dudes who like women who are caked in makeup and a bunch of other crap, but most women probably aren't looking for that guy. In my opinion, when you are dressing up to go out, put on the dress and the shoes, and a little makeup... but make sure it's not covering up who you are.

On where to meet them: I believe, in reality, most women (and probably men too) would rather meet someone in day-to-day life. Make a joke and start talking in an elevator, ask a guy to help you pick the best fruit at the grocery store, offer a woman your seat on the train/bus... simple things that we all do. We'd all much rather tell the story of "the most awesome girl/guy we met at the store who was really funny" as opposed to "the guy I gave my number to who was trying to dry-bang me on the dance floor in between downing beers." {Is there anyone out there who doesn't agree with this?}

On preference: In terms of what look men prefer... this is totally subjective and contextual. I don't like women who totally overdo it with makeup, but at the same time I don't like frumpy looking chicks either. {A much nicer way of referring to those "mud ducks" referenced above}.
My takeaway is this - stay true to you, stay open and honest, and feel free to switch it up.

What about you? Any misleading experiences with women or unfortunate dates with disappointed men?

* Excerpt from the chapter entitled, "Deal Breakers" in A Belle in Brooklyn by Demetria Lucas.

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