In 2005 she fell in love. Just she and him, happy and running hand in hand through a city she was discovering while head over heels. Everything was light and beautiful and bright. All was right when she was with him.
Saying goodbye because of distance was the hardest thing she had ever had to do. "It'll make you stronger," she was told. I only feel weaker, she would think as she tortured herself with fond memories, emails, photographs, and sad love songs. She would mask her sadness in meaningless sex, and hug herself at night when she was alone. She would embark on half-relationships with men who were clearly wrong; forcing bad relationships that ended in explosions leaving her damaged. She listened to Split Screen Sadness and Troubles on repeat.
Now, she finds herself exploring the concept of dating with extreme fear and hesitation. The more she meets men who seem to show genuine interest, the more scared she becomes. She bides her time and goes along for the ride, waiting for the other shoe to drop in every circumstance. She's still working through the healing process - still trying to transfer confidence from her savings account to her checking.
She's listening to this on repeat:
And smiling.
woah, time out. i have actual tears in my eyes. gosh... i, too, need to watch that on repeat. every morning.
ReplyDeletealso, saw your comment on the tory row post! next time you're home we should go there and do some damage at anthrooooo! and get a cupcake at sweet, obvi:)
[chels]
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ReplyDeletewaiting for your next post