The Cheating Curve

I'm a little fascinated with the idea of cheating. 

so is he...

I suppose this fascination began over a few beers with my girlfriends at Studio Square Beer Garden in Queens. My mentality, as the single one at the table, was "good luck to the dude who cheats on me." The rest of them weren't so quick to pull the trigger. The thought was that cheating in a serious, committed relationship, should warrant a more thorough evaluation of a relationship. In my mind, the issue was clear and cheating was a deal breaker. Both Margaret and Larissa spoke calmly, highlighting that there's simply more to consider. So, I took to the interwebs to try and better understand why men cheat (yes, they cheat more), and why women stay.

I was immediately struck by an old interview with Sandi Jackson (wife of Jesse Jackson Jr). In 2008 news outlets exploded with the news of her husband's infidelity. She notes that when the Clinton scandal reached headlines, her initial thought was "Hillary should leave Bill." When faced with the situation in her own reality, Jackson notes:

"When the 'beast' lands at your door, it can be a very, very different experience. No one really knows what they are going to do until they are in that situation. When it happens to you it's amazing how what you once thought was black and white becomes variations of a color called gray."{source}

I was intrigued with the idea that strict thinking could switch to a more open-minded stance. I took to Twitter, asking for more perspectives (in 140 characters or less) from the female mindset. Instead, I was inundated with emails and tweet-stories from my favorites. The prompt? "@maiah: Is cheating within your dating/marriage deal breakers? Would you stay & try to fix?" Below are excerpts from the replies:

Allie: As a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and not using the "quick fix" of divorce that I feel many people tend to do... I don't think infidelity would be the catalyst that forces me to leave the marriage. I think I would work relentlessly to fix my relationship whether I was seriously dating or already married. Vows shouldnt be taken lightly as you pledge them before God and all the people that you love. In the same vain, with the seriousness of these vows your taking you shouldn't be cheating, but I digress.

Brittany: My boss (a man) just told me, "well, wouldn't you think it's your fault why your husband is cheating?" (mj commentary: pause.) "Take Arnold for example. They said he was having a sex-less marriage. So, why wouldn't he cheat?" Girl! I can't! I met a guy, fell soo hard for this dude to find out he was married with two kids! I asked him, "how could you be married and telling your wife the same shit [you tell me]? This fool goes on to say that he's with her for their kids. Man, listen: if you're unhappy it's better to go your separate ways before it gets to the point where you want to cheat.

Shay: It's a deal breaker. I'm not a believer in appreciating what I have when it's gone. My worth, sanity & love means too much for that BS. Considering my last relationship: he cheated & blatantly told me that he just "felt like doing it but regretted when he saw me hurt..." I was young, insecure, and wanted this older man to love me like I did him. So I stayed. Biggest mistake ever. Wasn't paranoid. Didn't check his stuff. Nothing. And that was the problem. I checked out. I wasn't me. So, after coming out or my zombie phase, being a little more assured in myself and never being the person who didn't learn from mistakes I vowed to let go. I refuse to not see gain in ANYthing I invest in. Relationships included.

I was awestruck by these awesome women I call my friends. So many important key points are listed above but the top three resonate with me most. My initial black and white tunnel vision has dissipated somewhat. And regardless of whether or not I'm in a happy or troubled marriage in the future, I'll keep the following life lessons (courtesy of my girls) in mind:

1. The importance of vows and hard work.
2. Satisfaction (sex) matters.
3. Don't lose yourself.

Ladies, please let me know your thoughts on the subject!

And men, I want to hear from you too. Too harsh?

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Public Service Announcement: Sleepover Tips

In my time exploring potential relationships (or enjoying situationships) I'd like to think I’ve learned a few things. Not just about myself or the other person, but about the little things that make relationships between men and women work (or not work).

Initially, I didn’t think it would be a good move to share my tips and tricks (because then I’d have to kill you). But after a phone conversation filled with giggles and guffaws I realized this might be an interesting topic for more than just by best girlfriends. So here goes – my top 3 tips for sleepovers.

Joey & Dawson could never get it right either! [via]

Stay at his house
I know, I know. I prefer my house. We all do. Because boys aren't clean, and they aren't as aware of what women think is comfortable (seriously, what is up with men and leather seating? Leather couch + NYC summer heat ≠ comfort). However, I've learned that there's something about going to his place that makes men feel amazing. When I finally agreed to spend the night at an old situationship's apartment he walked around like a king. Literally. I can't quite figure it out but I think it has to do with being able to say "I'm fittin' to take her home".

Stay fresh
I’m a huge fan of the surprise “travel bag”. I call it a surprise because no one should know about it but you. Just pack a few small things in your purse and beef up the contents of your make up bag and you should be all set. My favorites? A toothbrush, a small travel deodorant, roll-on perfume (Sephora has a great selection), sunglasses (so necessary for a rough Sunday morning), and panties. Keep in mind, the larger the purse, the more fun things you can bring without utilizing a travel bag. My Louis Neverfull MM does the trick perfectly!

Don't get too comfortable
I honestly think one of the most important things to remember is that his house is not your house. Don’t start cooking up a storm, definitely don’t clean up shit, and definitely don’t start leaving your stuff there like it’s okay without a major relationship talk first. This rule about comfort is the hardest one for me as I'm the kind of person who loves to give as much as I can. But I've learned through experience (and also while reading #BelleBook) that the biggest downfall to a situationship is acting like it’s a relationship.

What are your favorite tips for successful sleepovers?

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Book Review: A Belle in Brooklyn

I consider myself a rare breed.

I’m an African American twenty-something woman who grew up in the suburbs of Boston. Though I currently live in NYC, my roots (no matter how bougie I may have become) are what made me, and I hold tight to those.

In looking for things to relate to, I found there was a wide gap between Sex & the City and Girlfriends. This gap also exists between Teri McMillian and Jeannette Walls. I was searching for someone like me represented in media and she was nowhere to be found.

[via]

...Until my friend introduced me to Demetria Lucas. The blogger turned magazine editor turned author recently released A Belle in Brooklyn (of the same title as her award winning blog). Incredibly well written, this memoir takes you on a journey of Demetria’s life and experiences in NYC, Atlanta, California, and more. With each chapter reading like the beautiful prose found in some short stories, you can’t help but power through the book. As a person who prefers to read during her commute, I found myself laughing at her humor, nearly crying at her experiences, and often cringing at her honesty. Any book that results in that sort of real-life emoting is what I would categorize as a great read.

Recommended for every-woman (and every-man), I think it’s impossible for anyone not to gather some sort of great takeaway from this novel. If you’re looking to live vicariously through the chapters of her crazy single life attending industry parties and awkward dinners with Shug: you win. If you’re looking for life lessons on how to “Live Your Best Singe Life”: you win. If you, like me, are looking for a middle ground media figure to relate to: you win.

But most importantly, I'm realizing how necessary it is to surround yourself with successful role models constantly on their grind. Demetria has made her journey extremely accessible to those searching for that too. So you also win.

A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to-Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life is available in stores and online.


Article first published as Book Review: A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life by Demetria Lucas on Blogcritics.

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An obsession with palm trees

I find myself in Santa Barbara, California for work... and I find myself falling in love.

Not with a boy, not with a dog, not with a band, but with the lifestyle. I’ve spent time enjoying palm trees as far as the eye can see, terracotta rooftops, cactus growing like shrubs, clear skies and amber sunsets as a backdrop to a sandy beach, and smiles on every street corner. Everything moves at a slower pace because no one is in a rush to do anything. A man on a street corner on the phone with his colleague was a rarity, and even then his conversation consisted of things like “I’m going to enjoy lunch and will get you an answer after my break.” The owners of an adorable Wine Tasting Room at the highest point of a pier off the Santa Barbara boardwalk talked passionately about their lives: their winery, the berries, the fermentation, hints of blackcurrant, wet rock, and white floral. They tasted the wine with us, went on the journey with us, and handed over a handful of corks as a reminder of this casual moment within which we enjoyed each other’s silence.

It’s a lifestyle I don’t find myself having the luxury of living in a city like New York City. Everything is urgent; every pace is rushed like a speeding car racing to get there first. Vacation is a distant thought, maybe even laughable because who has the time to take care of themselves? Lunches are always for working: taken at your desk or on the phone or skipped all together. Small business owners seem few and far between. Not content with their “small business” but looking for ways to become bigger, better. It’s never about sustaining. It’s about beating. And silence is uncomfortable.

“This place, it’s like my home [Weston]... except on a beach!” I commented to my colleague over a glass of pinot noir as we watched the sunset over the water and squealed every time a pelican took a dive or a seal came up to play. Everything was idyllic. I left Santa Barbara longing for the free-spirited passion displayed by those living there.

We encountered numerous people talking fondly of “their years in New York” prior to moving to California. When asked would they ever return to NYC the answer was always an enthusiastic “No!” with a smile. The slower pace was calmer. Healthier. Easier.

As I sit on a Delta Air Lines flight listening to an album entitled “Peace, Love, & Ukulele”, I can’t help but wonder: despite all I have been awarded since moving to NYC (trips to London, Dubai, Jordan, Aspen, and now California), is there more? Am I missing something?

I’m on a journey to find out.

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Girl About Town: LoveBrownSugar 2 Year Anniversary Event!

On Wednesday, July 6th, I joined the urban-glitterati, who were heading to the Financial District in hoards to celebrate the 2 year anniversary of the fabulous Christina Brown of the lovely blog, LoveBrownSugar.

The event was held at the very swanky Gild Hall at the Thompson Hotel. Greeted by 3 gorgeous women who all smiled happily as they checked my name off at the door, I slipped behind a velvet drape into a very sexy (read: manly) space.

The sophisticated space enveloped me in dark woods and deep brown leathers while the urban-glitterati filtered through the space in bright color blocked outfits, floral frocks, and their favorite pumps.

At the bar, we could indulge in champagne cocktails courtesy of Petiller and adorably petite cupcakes courtesy of DesiLu Sweets. The trickiest part of the night was trying to convince myself that just because the cupcake was bite sized didn't mean I could have 5. I had 5 anyway. Oops.

My girls, Larissa, Allison, and I caught up to the beats of DJ Icon (who I later found out is Mr. LoveBrownSugar, love!) by the bar. We escaped upstairs quickly to use the restroom and our evening ended in a brief iphone photoshoot for Allison's growing fashion blog, Fiercely Fashionable.

I left the party with a stronger obsession over LoveBrownSugar and a lovely little giftbag with items from Uptown Magazine, Indique*, Kinky-Curly, and SpecificBeauty just for me.

For more photos, check out Christina's post on her event or go to her facebook page.

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Weekly Gratitude

Fourth of July Edition!

(1)

Buffalo Chicken Meatballs, recipe from my favorite foodies, Sues and Chels over at We Are Not Martha. Clearly, these were spicy, but I live for Frank's Hot Sauce so they were a dream with every bite.

(2)

Garlic lemon shrimp, recipe courtesy of my mother who said "don't put anything in this other than butter, garlic, lemon, and shrimp." Lesson? Always listen to your mother, because this shrimp was a hit.

(3)

Johnson Family Potato Salad, recipe also courtesy of my mother. My favorite thing about her potato salad is how light it feels. Not nearly as creamy as what you might find at the supermarket, you might even trick yourself into thinking this is good for you. It's probably not.

(4)

The finished product. I should have taken an after photo of the damage done by myself and my friends. My roommate rounded off our meal with the most amazing gluten free cake, which we topped with whipped creme, strawberries, and blueberries.

We watched the fireworks from our rooftop in Astoria, Queens, which offers a 360 degree view of fireworks being set off throughout the city. From Macy's to home made explosives (eep!), it was a perfect night.

Happy Fourth of July!

All photos taken with instagram.

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Style Scene Exhibit

As an avid reader of LoveBrownSugar, I took her post announcing this event to be a personal invitation for me to attend the Style Scene Exhibit at Bar13. Duh.

I attended with my favorite girls and had one of the best New York City Summer Nights... you know, the ones you look forward to as soon as the summer solstice hits? Yeah. One of those.

Co-hosted by Christina of LoveBrownSugar and Lowefactor, the event was put together by The Victoria Agency. Bar13 provided the drinks and a new company by the name of Stuff Yo' Mouth provided light bites (those sliders were to die for).

I had hoped for an actual fashion presentation with live models and live fashion, but settled for imagery of each stylist's work scattered alongside the walls of the roofdeck. Young black New York (including my girl Carolyn of the super hip new brand, Aliomi) was out in full force and the night progressed to the sounds of the city and glasses clinking at the bar.

I left with a cute little giftbag with an issue of Uptown Magazine inside. My girls each left with their very own pair of Stevie Boi shades (straight up Snooki style).

© writing with wine. taken with instagram, nashville filter. 

Summer time in New York City reminds me why I moved here - glad to kick if off with this great party by The Victoria Agency, LoveBrownSugar, and the Lowefactor.

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