The Cheating Curve

I'm a little fascinated with the idea of cheating. 

so is he...

I suppose this fascination began over a few beers with my girlfriends at Studio Square Beer Garden in Queens. My mentality, as the single one at the table, was "good luck to the dude who cheats on me." The rest of them weren't so quick to pull the trigger. The thought was that cheating in a serious, committed relationship, should warrant a more thorough evaluation of a relationship. In my mind, the issue was clear and cheating was a deal breaker. Both Margaret and Larissa spoke calmly, highlighting that there's simply more to consider. So, I took to the interwebs to try and better understand why men cheat (yes, they cheat more), and why women stay.

I was immediately struck by an old interview with Sandi Jackson (wife of Jesse Jackson Jr). In 2008 news outlets exploded with the news of her husband's infidelity. She notes that when the Clinton scandal reached headlines, her initial thought was "Hillary should leave Bill." When faced with the situation in her own reality, Jackson notes:

"When the 'beast' lands at your door, it can be a very, very different experience. No one really knows what they are going to do until they are in that situation. When it happens to you it's amazing how what you once thought was black and white becomes variations of a color called gray."{source}

I was intrigued with the idea that strict thinking could switch to a more open-minded stance. I took to Twitter, asking for more perspectives (in 140 characters or less) from the female mindset. Instead, I was inundated with emails and tweet-stories from my favorites. The prompt? "@maiah: Is cheating within your dating/marriage deal breakers? Would you stay & try to fix?" Below are excerpts from the replies:

Allie: As a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and not using the "quick fix" of divorce that I feel many people tend to do... I don't think infidelity would be the catalyst that forces me to leave the marriage. I think I would work relentlessly to fix my relationship whether I was seriously dating or already married. Vows shouldnt be taken lightly as you pledge them before God and all the people that you love. In the same vain, with the seriousness of these vows your taking you shouldn't be cheating, but I digress.

Brittany: My boss (a man) just told me, "well, wouldn't you think it's your fault why your husband is cheating?" (mj commentary: pause.) "Take Arnold for example. They said he was having a sex-less marriage. So, why wouldn't he cheat?" Girl! I can't! I met a guy, fell soo hard for this dude to find out he was married with two kids! I asked him, "how could you be married and telling your wife the same shit [you tell me]? This fool goes on to say that he's with her for their kids. Man, listen: if you're unhappy it's better to go your separate ways before it gets to the point where you want to cheat.

Shay: It's a deal breaker. I'm not a believer in appreciating what I have when it's gone. My worth, sanity & love means too much for that BS. Considering my last relationship: he cheated & blatantly told me that he just "felt like doing it but regretted when he saw me hurt..." I was young, insecure, and wanted this older man to love me like I did him. So I stayed. Biggest mistake ever. Wasn't paranoid. Didn't check his stuff. Nothing. And that was the problem. I checked out. I wasn't me. So, after coming out or my zombie phase, being a little more assured in myself and never being the person who didn't learn from mistakes I vowed to let go. I refuse to not see gain in ANYthing I invest in. Relationships included.

I was awestruck by these awesome women I call my friends. So many important key points are listed above but the top three resonate with me most. My initial black and white tunnel vision has dissipated somewhat. And regardless of whether or not I'm in a happy or troubled marriage in the future, I'll keep the following life lessons (courtesy of my girls) in mind:

1. The importance of vows and hard work.
2. Satisfaction (sex) matters.
3. Don't lose yourself.

Ladies, please let me know your thoughts on the subject!

And men, I want to hear from you too. Too harsh?

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The Blame Game

I'm totally entranced by this whole glorification of cheating, mistresses, and infidelity. I suppose my fascination started with Eliot Spitzer (aka Client No. 9) and his female escort "Kristen" (government name: Ashley Alexandra Dupre). When the news broke in the spring of 2008, news outlets went crazy. Additionally, readers went crazy waiting for the next great headline pun, and I went crazy trying to understand why this girl, who is my age, wass servicing someone like Client No. 9 while I (recently graduated) was trying to understand what 401k meant.

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Regardless, I was still fascinated by the whole thing. Very quickly, Spitzer resigned, his silent and stoic wife communicated pain in standing by her husband, and Ashley Dupre was propelled to fame. Why? How? I didn't get it. Now, Spitzer is on the rise with his own show on CNN and along those same lines, Dupre is co-staring in what I imagine will be a Comedy of Errors about celebrities creating their own restaurants. Oy, enough.

Then there's Tiger Woods, who's exploits made no sense whatsoever. After woman number 5 I just gave up on trying to keep up with the news. The one thing I'll never forget his how completely poetic it seemed for his wife to whoop his ass with a golf club. I guess what makes you, breaks you.

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And let's please not forget about everyone's favorite home wrecker singer Alicia Keys and her new hubby Swizz Beatz. Alicia graces the cover of Essence this month, within which she says her relationship with Swizz was no where near inappropriate, stating the two started dating after he and his then wife Mashonda separated. There was another woman in the mix, who also gave birth to a child fathered by Swizz and I am sure she was highly influential in he and Mashonda's divorce. That said, seeing the happiness of Alicia and Swizz side by side with the heartbreak of Mashonda's on Love & Hip Hop was saddening. And while I celebrate love, I do think Alicia needs to be careful because, as all women know, how you get them is how you lose them.

Love & Hip Hop |Olivia Longott |Somaya Reece |Mashonda Tifrere

Stay tuned for Part 2 of "The Blame Game", within which I'll review Something Borrowed (the book and the movie) and detail a scene from tonight where 6 weird girls were arguing in the movie theatre about who was right and who was wrong. Oh wait, that was us...

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