Four Important Questions to Ask Yourself Before Saying "I Do"

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On Halloween, news broke that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were ending their 72 day union. Kim planned on filing for divorce siting the (often overused) term irreconcilable differences. While divorce is never something to be celebrated or taken lightly, it seems like across the world, the general public can't help but let out one collective chuckle.

This was the wedding heard (and watched) around the world. The union, which was displayed on television as a strained one in my opinion, came together in a way that screamed fairy tale. When twitter informed me of the divorce yesterday, I couldn't help but wonder if fairy tales weren't meant to come true. Sure, we all want to marry the man of our dreams, but the union has to be a grounded one, right? Then I began to wonder how I could ensure this - and decided there are four important questions I must ask myself before saying I do:

Do you trust him with your life?
My mother once said to me, "I don't want to give you your passport until you get married. At that time, I will give it to your husband." Yes, this moment involved a side eye over the telephone. But, I've since realized that this sentiment really means my mother hopes I find someone she can trust with her most prized possession, her daughter. This person becomes responsible for my life, my finances, my general well-being. Just as I do for him. So we have to trust each other with our most prized possessions: ourselves.

What does your family think?
I will never forget the day in high school that I went on my first date. There was a horrible storm and our power was out. When my date came to pick me up, my parents opened the door with an industrial sized flashlight and began to bombard him with questions. I don't remember the full conversation (blacked out from mortification) but I do remember it ended with my date squeaking "and I test my breaks after every puddle!" My father nodded his nod and we were off. My father's nod is very specific and only appears when he is truly satisfied with something or someone. I'll know my future husband is a good fit for me and my family when my father nods his nod.

Can you stop sweating the small stuff?
I've learned that relationships aren't easy. They're not supposed to be. Relationships are hard work, and understanding how you and your mate are compatible takes time. It's easy to get caught up in social events and mutual friends but I am more concerned about is what happens when you're alone? Do you still love his dirty socks on the counter or the way he squeezes the toothpaste out of the holder? It may all sound trivial, but sometimes sweating the small stuff is what ends a relationship. If you can learn how to live together, dirty socks and all, then you can get through more than you imagined.

Are you on the same page?
According to one of the many speculators out there, Kim and Kris couldn't decide on where to live. According to the show, they also couldn't decide on how to spend their money (Kim is a big spender, Kris is frugal) and where their pets would sleep (in their bed or in a dog bed). One of the most important things I want to know before I get married is whether or not we are on the same page about everything. I mean absolutely everything: finances, children, pets, where to live, where to vacation, how to decorate, what's for dinner... I really mean everything. But most importantly, if we can't agree on where to live, how do we ever expect to happily live together?

What questions do you plan to ask yourself before you say I do?

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How to Love

Being a New Yorker is hard. 
Being a single female in New York is harder.
But being a skeptical, jaded, single, New York City girl with an open mind about love is the hardest.

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The idea of opening your heart and finding love - any kind of love - is hard to fathom. This includes the idea of love, a potential future of love, flirting your way into love... a lovah... alladem. All I'm saying is if you've been in love (big love) and you've been hurt (which is everyone), then it's nearly impossible to drop your guard, open up your heart and let someone new in.

Case in point - one of my lovely girl friends. She's a super kind, super gorgeous girl with a huge badonkadonk and a skinny waist and a ton of love to give. And she's extra single. Why? She's not sure and neither am I. But then one day over a few glasses of chianti she told me "I don't let guys touch me on the first date."

"Not even hold your hand?" I shouted.

"No!"

"What do you mean, 'no'!?" Now, I should state that this conversation went around in more circles than necessary - likely due to the chianti. 

"I don't let guys touch me because all of that is intimate. Holding my hand is very intimate." I was a little dumbstruck. I guess I understood her point, but my first thought was who used to hold your hand and why was it so damn intimate. I immediately asked her if she'd allow a first kiss - arguably the best part of any evening with a new guy after a fun date.

"No!"

"No??!!!!? Ghurl, please!" Clearly, we dissolved into giggles here but through the laughter she told me she was absolutely serious. That if any man touched her on a first date, or a second or even a third, she'd cut them off and move onto the next one. 



What is it about girls and our inability to let go and open up? While we're working on saving ourselves from getting hurt again, we're also becoming brilliant at self-sabotage.

Personally, I have one of the best leave me alone side eyes this side of the Hudson, but it might be deterring perfectly fine men from coming up and saying hello. Demetria Lucas of A Belle in Brooklyn has devoted part of her debut book to helping women open up. It involves something as simple as a smile. So I've been getting my practice on to see if it really does work.

"Damn, you ladies and your boots. Stompin' all over my damn heart," a man said to me on the A train platform at West 4th Street on Monday evening. I turned my head and smiled at him, taking the time to size him up. Nothing about him was my type, but what's really in a type anyway? 

"Oh man, and that smile! Just damn." And with that he smiled, tipped his hat, and walked away.

Now what was so hard about that?


Unless you're dense or not of this generation, you understand the title of this post is inspired by this song. 

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My Love Is Like ... Clay?

I get my eyebrows threaded at this great little hole in the wall place in Astoria on Broadway. I love it because the prices are cheap ($6), the women don't talk much, it always smells like incense (which reminds me of my father's man cave), and there's always some sort of Bollywood movie playing on repeat. As I closed my eyes and settled in for the threading, I started to reminisce on my previous obsession with Bollywood... it fell parallel to a man I was dating at the time.

We met at a Central Park picnic. I slipped in mud and he cleaned my foot with ice. That's when I knew he was putty in my hands. He showed up at my birthday party a few weeks later and we were inseparable from then on. On my favorite date with him, we ended up at a gorgeous UES restaurant where he ordered everything for me (something some women hate but I happen to love). Several of the items were more traditional, and not on the more America-friendly menu. It was at that point that I fell in love with his culture and thought of myself as an "insider". My Netflix queue held a disproportionate amount of Bollywood movies, I cooked Bhindi Masala and Baingan Bharta like it was part of me, and when I went out to dinner, I ordered off the menu like I knew what I was talking about. He introduced me to the smooth sounds of The Gotan Project, a quirky Parisian electro/nuevo-tango group.

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In 2005 I studied abroad in London and met the former love of my life, referred to on the blog as Old Flame. He introduced me to the real London, he showed me the joys of the outer city and the underbelly of Harrod's (he was a pastry chef there) and as we dated, I felt myself growing. It might have just been me getting fat because he was a pastry chef and was always feeding me treats. It also might have been my heart exploding, which was an unfamiliar feeling at the time (also known as "falling in love"). Regardless, I was hooked and as a result, I started to mold myself to him. While in London I started baking uncontrollably. I ran around the Harrod's food halls like I owned the place, and I toyed with the idea of permanently to the UK daily. Because of his Parisian roots, I vowed to learn French - I even took adult language classes at night after school when I returned to the states.. He introduced me to Cornielle, a French R&B crooner with family in Germany, Rwanda and Canada.

I mean, the examples could go on, and on, and on. The more I got to thinking about it, the more curious I became about how I change as I date. Thinking about this on Sunday afternoon, I took to my iTunes and ran through my music. Unchecked song after unchecked song brought back memories of a lover, an ex-boyfriend, or a situation that ended in tears. I realized that my iTunes steadily reflects exactly who I've dated. The timestamp of their download date highlights when we were together, and the missing check is an easy indication of their departure.

Being a music head, my initial thoughts were sadness towards all of the wasted music. You're supposed to grow and change, and your realities are supposed to be expanded when you date someone. But the more I reflected I couldn't help but wonder... how much is too much?

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Guest Post: The Five Mistakes Women Make During Sports Season

I read a post on a blog a while ago that outlined a few tips for women on proper sports season behavior. It was pretty funny, but got me thinking about the male perspective. So I obviously reached out to my favorite dude for a little advice and he basically sent me a banging guest post. Poignant, heartfelt, and hysterical, I couldn't let another day go by without sharing this with you. Ladies, listen up. Men, comment if you agree.

Without further ado, please enjoy this guest post by my boy Jah entitled: The Five Mistakes Women Make During Sports Season

Let me start out by saying that there are 4 types of women when it comes to sports:

1. The TRUE sports fan: One that knows a sport(s), knows the players, and understands the game.
2. The OCCASIONAL sports fan: Kinda keeps up sometimes, has a general interest but doesn’t try to pretend she is a wiz.
3. The FAKE sports fan: The one who really knows nothing about sports... only knows a select few players, still thinks Michael Jordan is in the NBA, doesn’t know what a “touchdown” means, still thinks a quarterback is a refund (old school joke), cheers for whatever team is in the lead, roots for the team with the cutest players or the best uniforms, or the team the boy they like is going for…just plain annoying.
4. The NON-sports fan: Does not care about sports at all… doesn’t even attempt to pretend she’s interested… would rather watch reality TV, read or sleep while games are on. She might sit and pretend to watch but her mind is certainly elsewhere.

Let me now say that it might be impossible for me to keep my list of mistakes at 5….but let’s try.

1. If you have a husband/boyfriend/hookup that compromises with you more than enough, leave him alone when the game is on. If you want to sit and be supportive that is fine; however it is not your time to talk and ask a bunch of questions related/unrelated. Questions are mainly for before and/or after the game.
2. It is not all about you. Do not constantly position yourself in front of the television when you don’t feel like you’re getting enough attention. I am pretty sure when games are not on, you get plenty. If not, that is a totally different issue (you might need a new man).
3. Do not huff and puff, and make noises that show your disinterest. It is a personal problem if you can’t entertain yourself for the 2 hours the game is on. That does not mean you have to kill the excitement for us.
4. DO NOT try to “get busy” while games are on. Fcuk you - go that way. I hate when girls try to get all sexy just to see if you will stop watching the game to play around with them. There is a time and place for everything. There's nothing worse than a girl trying to test you - and then she gets mad when you don’t stop everything you’re doing. Where is all of that sexy interest in me when Sex & the City is on? Don’t worry I’ll wait...
5. Understand that a man’s interests are exactly that. He loved sports before you got there, he’ll love them while you’re around, and if the relationship doesn’t last he’ll still love sports when you’re gone. Do everyone a favor and accept that. Stop trying to change guys into that ideal fantasy guy you dream up while you’re in LALA LAND. Nobody is perfect and I’m pretty sure the dude isn’t distracting you from some of the random nonsense you love to do.

If women can learn some of these important tips, a perfect season is in the near future. Compromise and acceptance are important. Ladies, leave guys alone when they’re in their zone. It actually works in your favor when you aren’t the annoying girlfriend. We'll want to spend more time with you later on.

Oh, and do yourselves a favor. Stop having SUPERBOWL parties. You don’t have a CLUE what’s going on. #KNOCKITOFF

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How To Travel With Your Boo

I like to credit a lot of my wisdom to my Mother, who is the wisest mother anyone could ask for. She's full of little tidbits, whether you ask for them or not. Some of my favorites have turned into posts in the past and this one is no different.

Over dinner at one of my favorite soul food spots in Harlem with my Mom and my girl, Larissa, Mom indulged in a few rules on how to stay sane in relationships. My favorites had to do with travel. Now, she's on a cruise with my Father, and in the weeks leading up to it, she divulged in a few more tips.

So here they are, Mom's Top Five Tips on How to Travel with Your Boo:

1. Just Do It
Yes, just like the Nike commercials, when it comes to travel, my mother's rules are simple - just do it. She and her girlfriends have often found themselves proposing a travel idea to their husbands, only to receive answers like "I'm not sure I can take off work" or "I don't want to go away for that long." *side eye* The solution? Buy their ticket anyway. They'll come around. This is how my parents took a romantic trip to Ireland, a couples trip to South Africa, a week visiting me when I was abroad in London, and it's how they found themselves on a cruise right now. Works like a charm every time.

2. What You Packing?
In preparing for their cruise, Mom told Dad to lay his outfits on the guest bed for the trip. After weeks of peeking in on his progress, she found he'd only planned on bringing 4 t-shirts and some shorts. When asked to pick up a few items from the dry cleaner on the way home, Mom oblidged, and then packed the items in his suitcase under his 4-shorts and shorts. Instantly well packed!

3. We Dont Have To Fight
Eager to get everything started right - Mom noted that you never fight before you leave. It's just bad manners. If you've got something to say, say it once your plane has taken off. Swiftly. Then order a glass of wine and settle in for the flight. Everyone will be all smiles by the time you land.

4. Keep it Freestylin'
Upon landing in New Orleans just before their cruise, my parents realized their airline (American) had lost their luggage. Given only two tuxedo t-shirts, Mom and Dad enjoyed their cruise in matching outfits for almost a full week. When asked how it was going, her only answer was "We're cool. We're freestyling."

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The Cheating Curve

I'm a little fascinated with the idea of cheating. 

so is he...

I suppose this fascination began over a few beers with my girlfriends at Studio Square Beer Garden in Queens. My mentality, as the single one at the table, was "good luck to the dude who cheats on me." The rest of them weren't so quick to pull the trigger. The thought was that cheating in a serious, committed relationship, should warrant a more thorough evaluation of a relationship. In my mind, the issue was clear and cheating was a deal breaker. Both Margaret and Larissa spoke calmly, highlighting that there's simply more to consider. So, I took to the interwebs to try and better understand why men cheat (yes, they cheat more), and why women stay.

I was immediately struck by an old interview with Sandi Jackson (wife of Jesse Jackson Jr). In 2008 news outlets exploded with the news of her husband's infidelity. She notes that when the Clinton scandal reached headlines, her initial thought was "Hillary should leave Bill." When faced with the situation in her own reality, Jackson notes:

"When the 'beast' lands at your door, it can be a very, very different experience. No one really knows what they are going to do until they are in that situation. When it happens to you it's amazing how what you once thought was black and white becomes variations of a color called gray."{source}

I was intrigued with the idea that strict thinking could switch to a more open-minded stance. I took to Twitter, asking for more perspectives (in 140 characters or less) from the female mindset. Instead, I was inundated with emails and tweet-stories from my favorites. The prompt? "@maiah: Is cheating within your dating/marriage deal breakers? Would you stay & try to fix?" Below are excerpts from the replies:

Allie: As a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and not using the "quick fix" of divorce that I feel many people tend to do... I don't think infidelity would be the catalyst that forces me to leave the marriage. I think I would work relentlessly to fix my relationship whether I was seriously dating or already married. Vows shouldnt be taken lightly as you pledge them before God and all the people that you love. In the same vain, with the seriousness of these vows your taking you shouldn't be cheating, but I digress.

Brittany: My boss (a man) just told me, "well, wouldn't you think it's your fault why your husband is cheating?" (mj commentary: pause.) "Take Arnold for example. They said he was having a sex-less marriage. So, why wouldn't he cheat?" Girl! I can't! I met a guy, fell soo hard for this dude to find out he was married with two kids! I asked him, "how could you be married and telling your wife the same shit [you tell me]? This fool goes on to say that he's with her for their kids. Man, listen: if you're unhappy it's better to go your separate ways before it gets to the point where you want to cheat.

Shay: It's a deal breaker. I'm not a believer in appreciating what I have when it's gone. My worth, sanity & love means too much for that BS. Considering my last relationship: he cheated & blatantly told me that he just "felt like doing it but regretted when he saw me hurt..." I was young, insecure, and wanted this older man to love me like I did him. So I stayed. Biggest mistake ever. Wasn't paranoid. Didn't check his stuff. Nothing. And that was the problem. I checked out. I wasn't me. So, after coming out or my zombie phase, being a little more assured in myself and never being the person who didn't learn from mistakes I vowed to let go. I refuse to not see gain in ANYthing I invest in. Relationships included.

I was awestruck by these awesome women I call my friends. So many important key points are listed above but the top three resonate with me most. My initial black and white tunnel vision has dissipated somewhat. And regardless of whether or not I'm in a happy or troubled marriage in the future, I'll keep the following life lessons (courtesy of my girls) in mind:

1. The importance of vows and hard work.
2. Satisfaction (sex) matters.
3. Don't lose yourself.

Ladies, please let me know your thoughts on the subject!

And men, I want to hear from you too. Too harsh?

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Public Service Announcement: Sleepover Tips

In my time exploring potential relationships (or enjoying situationships) I'd like to think I’ve learned a few things. Not just about myself or the other person, but about the little things that make relationships between men and women work (or not work).

Initially, I didn’t think it would be a good move to share my tips and tricks (because then I’d have to kill you). But after a phone conversation filled with giggles and guffaws I realized this might be an interesting topic for more than just by best girlfriends. So here goes – my top 3 tips for sleepovers.

Joey & Dawson could never get it right either! [via]

Stay at his house
I know, I know. I prefer my house. We all do. Because boys aren't clean, and they aren't as aware of what women think is comfortable (seriously, what is up with men and leather seating? Leather couch + NYC summer heat ≠ comfort). However, I've learned that there's something about going to his place that makes men feel amazing. When I finally agreed to spend the night at an old situationship's apartment he walked around like a king. Literally. I can't quite figure it out but I think it has to do with being able to say "I'm fittin' to take her home".

Stay fresh
I’m a huge fan of the surprise “travel bag”. I call it a surprise because no one should know about it but you. Just pack a few small things in your purse and beef up the contents of your make up bag and you should be all set. My favorites? A toothbrush, a small travel deodorant, roll-on perfume (Sephora has a great selection), sunglasses (so necessary for a rough Sunday morning), and panties. Keep in mind, the larger the purse, the more fun things you can bring without utilizing a travel bag. My Louis Neverfull MM does the trick perfectly!

Don't get too comfortable
I honestly think one of the most important things to remember is that his house is not your house. Don’t start cooking up a storm, definitely don’t clean up shit, and definitely don’t start leaving your stuff there like it’s okay without a major relationship talk first. This rule about comfort is the hardest one for me as I'm the kind of person who loves to give as much as I can. But I've learned through experience (and also while reading #BelleBook) that the biggest downfall to a situationship is acting like it’s a relationship.

What are your favorite tips for successful sleepovers?

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A Visual Liar?

The chapter* starts like this:

[Devin] told me about a woman he met at the club. She wore a long (good) weave, a tight dress, makeup, and high heels. In a relatively sober state, Devin exchanged numbers with her early in the night. The next week, they talked on the phone, and he deduced she was “cool.” When he finally met up with her for drinks at Ava Lounge on the rooftop of the Dream hotel, she had on flats, her hair pulled back, a cute casual shirt and jeans and was wearing little makeup. She’d just come from the office. They hung out for the night, but he never called her again.
“She was a visual liar,” he explained.

A visual liar? I thought to myself... this can’t be real.

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So, I went about constructing my own Male Mind Squad (a group of men who form Demetria Lucas' sounding board), expect it’s much smaller and will from here on out be called my Male Choir. Well... It's actually a (well rounded) Male Duo of just just Du and Jah but the sentiment is the same.

Over hookah, I laid out the scene above, but added my own embellishments (black girl bun, boring jeans and a t), and waited for Du’s response.

“Just be prepared to know you (aka women) would be taking a huge L.” No further explanation. Just plain and clear.

Damn. Really? I couldn’t understand! I love to get dressed up on a Saturday night, but also enjoy a cold beer in jeans and a tee for Wednesday happy hour. Is this mesh of "lives" really such a huge faux paux?

I later took this question to Jah, who said “Everyone is guilty of going a little further and doing a little extras to make an impression on a significant other. It’s natural to want to look good and do things that will possibly ensure your date goes well and that it leads to a relationship of some sort… But can you imagine going to sleep next to a princess and waking up next to a mud duck? It’s not okay.”

Now this is why I love my budding male chorus – blunt, honest, and to the point.

Both Jah and Du agreed that there’s a time and a place for the jeans-and-t girl, and the little-black-dress girl. What’s even better? “A girl that can switch it up and still catch my attention. I like heels, flats, sneakers, jeans, leggings, skirts, and dresses. There is definitely room for both in my opinion.”

It seems like there's a balance that needs to be found between wanting to impress and wanted to realistically find & keep someone. After hashing it out with my boys, I decided to  to the big guns, Jamie, Editor of the super cool online magazine for guys entitled Dude Society. If Jah and Dushane are my chorus (read: duo), then Jamie is the conductor. He doles out the following tips/things to consider for those looking to meet their future mate:

On meeting people: For men and women, if you are looking for a relationship, the chances of meeting that person when you're "going out" for the night to a bar, or club, or where ever, is slim. It's loud, it's crowded, & people are putting on an act. So, if you meet a dude in this context, even if a date is arranged, the chance of it panning out is really a roll of the dice.

On staying true: Yes, there are some dudes who like women who are caked in makeup and a bunch of other crap, but most women probably aren't looking for that guy. In my opinion, when you are dressing up to go out, put on the dress and the shoes, and a little makeup... but make sure it's not covering up who you are.

On where to meet them: I believe, in reality, most women (and probably men too) would rather meet someone in day-to-day life. Make a joke and start talking in an elevator, ask a guy to help you pick the best fruit at the grocery store, offer a woman your seat on the train/bus... simple things that we all do. We'd all much rather tell the story of "the most awesome girl/guy we met at the store who was really funny" as opposed to "the guy I gave my number to who was trying to dry-bang me on the dance floor in between downing beers." {Is there anyone out there who doesn't agree with this?}

On preference: In terms of what look men prefer... this is totally subjective and contextual. I don't like women who totally overdo it with makeup, but at the same time I don't like frumpy looking chicks either. {A much nicer way of referring to those "mud ducks" referenced above}.

My takeaway is this - stay true to you, stay open and honest, and feel free to switch it up.

What about you? Any misleading experiences with women or unfortunate dates with disappointed men?

* Excerpt from the chapter entitled, "Deal Breakers" in A Belle in Brooklyn by Demetria Lucas.

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Oops! I Borrowed Your Boyfriend...

When I read Something Borrowed, I loved the book. I immediately bought Something Blue to finish the series surrounding my four favorite characters: Rachel, Darcy, Dex and Ethan. When it was all said and done, I felt so strongly about the Emily Giffin books that I started lending them out left and right. When someone mentioned they were reading it, I was immediately asking what they thought! I went Something Borrowed crazy.

Then, months passed and just as I was having trouble finding people to talk to about the book my life was changed by a trailer for the movie adaptation.




So you get the gist, right? Rachel borrows her best friend's fiance. If you are at all confused by this concept, just note that it is frowned upon.

Since the movie came out this month, I have managed to see it twice (once alone as a treat to myself) and once with my favorite group of girls. When the movie ended we erupted into a discussion about who's fault the cheating was. When I posed the question to the girls on either side of me, their answers were either "no one's!" or "Dex's fault!". When we passed along the same question to the rest of our crew, their answer was unanimous, "Rachel's!". You see, they subscribed to the school of thought that the female is to blame if she takes a guy up on his offer, even if he brings up the idea of something forbidden without any prompting from said female.

I personally happen to disagree. As a disclaimer, my thoughts have nothing to do with true love or romance (even though I love love). If Dex were my man and he proposed the idea of cheating on me to my best friend, even if she said no, I wouldn't forgive him for having (and attempting to act on) the desire to cheat! Regardless, we all agreed that Rachel, while quiet, nerdy, and slightly tragic as a character, was a trifling heifer. Dex, while devastatingly handsome and usually meaning well, was a disappointing, wishy-washy man unable to make his own decisions. Between the two of them, if this were real life, I'm not sure either would belong in my circle.

I think most ladies would agree that despite the storyline, it was enjoyable. Definitely a romantic comedy, the movie enjoyed some much needed relief by Ethan and his unfortunate faux-lover Claire. It featured both real and inspired New York hotspots, all of which I plan to visit if I haven't already. And a cameo by Giffin herself, who rocks some fierce white denim while reading her sequel, Something Blue (hello, movie #2)! And on top of that, some really great fashion, beautiful Hamptons shots, an awesome soundtrack, and a wonderful teaser at the end for the upcoming sequel.

Did you see the movie or read the book? What did you think? And who is to blame!?

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The Blame Game

I'm totally entranced by this whole glorification of cheating, mistresses, and infidelity. I suppose my fascination started with Eliot Spitzer (aka Client No. 9) and his female escort "Kristen" (government name: Ashley Alexandra Dupre). When the news broke in the spring of 2008, news outlets went crazy. Additionally, readers went crazy waiting for the next great headline pun, and I went crazy trying to understand why this girl, who is my age, wass servicing someone like Client No. 9 while I (recently graduated) was trying to understand what 401k meant.

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Regardless, I was still fascinated by the whole thing. Very quickly, Spitzer resigned, his silent and stoic wife communicated pain in standing by her husband, and Ashley Dupre was propelled to fame. Why? How? I didn't get it. Now, Spitzer is on the rise with his own show on CNN and along those same lines, Dupre is co-staring in what I imagine will be a Comedy of Errors about celebrities creating their own restaurants. Oy, enough.

Then there's Tiger Woods, who's exploits made no sense whatsoever. After woman number 5 I just gave up on trying to keep up with the news. The one thing I'll never forget his how completely poetic it seemed for his wife to whoop his ass with a golf club. I guess what makes you, breaks you.

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And let's please not forget about everyone's favorite home wrecker singer Alicia Keys and her new hubby Swizz Beatz. Alicia graces the cover of Essence this month, within which she says her relationship with Swizz was no where near inappropriate, stating the two started dating after he and his then wife Mashonda separated. There was another woman in the mix, who also gave birth to a child fathered by Swizz and I am sure she was highly influential in he and Mashonda's divorce. That said, seeing the happiness of Alicia and Swizz side by side with the heartbreak of Mashonda's on Love & Hip Hop was saddening. And while I celebrate love, I do think Alicia needs to be careful because, as all women know, how you get them is how you lose them.

Love & Hip Hop |Olivia Longott |Somaya Reece |Mashonda Tifrere

Stay tuned for Part 2 of "The Blame Game", within which I'll review Something Borrowed (the book and the movie) and detail a scene from tonight where 6 weird girls were arguing in the movie theatre about who was right and who was wrong. Oh wait, that was us...

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Saturday with Belle

On Saturday, May 7th, I attended the first ever Rising Affluent Conference with my girl, Larissa. Since the two of us are working on a project (which will be announced at a later date) we decided to take advantage of this day of advancement and achievement. How did we find out? A Belle in Brooklyn, of course.

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Larissa introduced me to Belle (government name: Demetria Lucas) a while ago as a writer and blogger to watch. Bonus? She's a bougie black girl who loves a Louis and some fierce shoes. Of course I was hooked.

I immediately started following Belle on twitter, and going through back entries of her blog. I checked out her features on Essence (which was incredibly tolling as she publishes the hot man of the month) and became a literary groupie. You see, Belle's career - it's exactly what I'd hoped for myself in moving to New York City. My pathway has been a bit bumpy on the way there, but people like her remind people like me that anything is attainable.

So, enter the Rising Affluent Conference. Larissa and I are sitting at a full table of very nice women, networking and such, when a girl comes over and mumbles something I can't hear. I turn to Larissa and raise my eyebrows like what? as her eyes start growing exponentially. "Belle... is ... reading... from ..." she stammers and before she can finish her sentence we've both jumped out our chairs. Suddenly we realize it's rude to leave without saying goodbye to the women at our table so we mumble something about Belle giving a reading upstairs and they all seem to follow suit.

You see, the announcement was slightly premature, and poor Belle had an audience of people watching her as she tried to find a place for the print of her gorgeous book cover. I watch her as she gives the nicest side eye I've ever seen to the camera man, who places the print on a chair, and then smile at the Conference director, who brings in an easel. As someone working in events, I smile too.

She begins shortly after that, introducing herself as Demetria but I can only think of her as Belle. She talks of her inspiration and this is where I melt into a puddle of excitement because it's full of things I can relate to (especially the bit about Waiting to Exhale. Black girls, if you haven't read this, please find it immediately).

An avid Sex & The City fan, she notes she was always waiting for their fierce black girlfriend to pop into the picture with a storyline rivaling everyone else's. She never really could get into Girlfriends the same way and neither could I. As much as I love Toni, Lynn, Maya and Joan; they really can't stand up to our beloved Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie. She wanted to bring the voice of that black girlfriend we missed to fruition... so she wrote. Here she is now, with a book deal signed, her first piece (entitled A Belle in Brooklyn, The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life) completed, and her second piece in the works. She's an inspiration.

Belle read from a chapter entitled "My Father Called Me a Party Girl". She read the piece from her iPad, which blinked away with every awestruck tweet from the girls in the room, reacting to the piece, or just her presence. When she finished her reading, which spoke of "Black Melrose" (aka DeKalb Avenue in Brooklyn), her party girl past, and blood orange margaritas; I vowed never to let a day go by that I didn't chase my dream and have fun doing it.

I had the opportunity to ask one question: "Hi Belle (oops, I guess I meant Demetria), my name is Maiah Johnson and you're an inspiration!" I stammered. "I'm just wondering how you keep it all balanced? You know, the blog, and your book, and your full time job 'cause you have to pay rent..."

She smiled graciously, "oh, balancing all this? Trust me, the rent is paid."

[via]

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PSA: Single Ladies, Listen Up!

Let’s face it, ladies. If you’re a single twenty-something, living in a bustling and exhausting city, its not as easy to find a man as some might think. In New York City alone, single women outnumber single men by over 210,000 (is that not horrific??). What does that mean? We’re going to spend more time single than we’d like. But I strongly believe that there are a few things that every woman must always indulge in, whether she is single or not:

Waxing, Sugaring, Shaving, Plucking, Threading, Bleaching, etc.
I cannot stress this enough. If you let yourself go, you will never feel sexy enough to snag a new man. Never. You’ll go out and hang your head low because your eyebrows aren’t waxed. You’ll stand with your shoulders slumped and your legs crossed one over the other because your you-know-what needs a tune up and your legs need shaving. And you’ll be generally uncomfortable because you don’t feel beautiful but you can’t quite figure out why. So pick your poison and keep it pretty.

Don't forget Victoria's Secret
Because nothing exudes confidence like walking around with this under your outfit:

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Treat yourself to dinner & a movie
Please don’t reserve those kind of dates for when you have a man. I dated a man who LOVED the movies. When we broke up, theatres throughout the city became off limits to me as they all held too many memories. While I was pouting, I was missing the incredible works of art being released. Now, I’m playing catch up on Netflix (still) so that when a cute boy at a bar asks me “oh, you’re from Boston? Have you seen The Departed?” I can say “absolutely!’ and follow up with something witty – so much sexier than saying “oh... no.” #womp.

Always indulge in home cooked meals
The thing about cooking is that sometimes we save the impressive stuff for proving your wife potential. The thing about saving the impressive stuff is that you don’t get to treat yourself. So, instead of enjoying a delicious Coq Au Vin, you’re eating pasta with a boring sauce and getting a little fat. Treat yourself! You deserve a beautiful, home cooked meal. Don’t get lazy, get working. Besides, how do you expect that engagement chicken to work if you haven’t tested it at least twice?

Don’t forget lazy Sundays
There is nothing like a lazy Sunday in the arms of a lover. It's like there's no such thing as laziness because you're spending that time with a lovah. I personally feel guilty about lying in bed all day on a Sunday just because. But sometimes, you just have to indulge in a lazy Sunday chill session. Turn on Tweet’s Southern Hummingbird album, grab a book, order take out, and just hang.

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Pretty Boy Swag

When my favorite Gossip Girl, Necole Bitchie posted the below, I thought, "I better read that, ASAP":

And when my fellow blogger and dear friend, Larissa said, "did you read that Kelly Rowland interview where she talked about dating outside her race?" I realized I better stop procrastinating (read: working) and get busy reading that interview.

Rowland, whom I ADORE for her ability to seamlessly transition from genre to genre of music (and who provided the soundtrack for several very decadent nights in Dubai), spoke honestly about the kind of men she dates. From white men to black men, she holds no prejudice when it comes to who she sets her sights on.

The interview, from Thursday morning's Power 105.1 Breakfast Club show, unfolds as follows (via Necole Bitchie):

You’ve dated all kinds of guys from different places. Do you recommend dating a white guy?
Yes, you can. I mean it’s completely up to you. I like a black guy just as much as I love a white guy.

Do they treat you any better? Because I’ve heard white guys would go down on you more...
You know what? To me it just depends on the guy... if they like that. Of course, it’s better to find a guy that you can motivate to like that. I like me a nice swag of a black guy, I can’t even lie. To me, black guys and Arabic guys; their swag is almost the same.

Yes! They do! It's true! I almost felt as though Kelly and I were having this intimate conversation between the two of us, since apparently we both have explored dating a myriad of different men.

Through my experience, I have learned that black men have a level of swagger that is difficult for other races to reach. Along those same lines, Middle Eastern men possess a certain swag that goes mostly unrivaled. And while I'm absolutely no expert, I have definitely partied with the best of them (no, seriously - at Cavalli Club in Dubai, where the walls are lined in fur) and learned that while black men pop bottles of Moet, Middle Eastern men are popping magnums of Veuve. Fancy.

So what's the preference?

For me, it's less about the swag and mostly about being wooed. I fell head over heals for a Parisian Muslim man living in London (Old Flame). Originally from Morocco, I was intrigued by all of him, but I fell for that "old school romance" he practiced in getting me to be his.

Perhaps for me, the most important bit is how much he makes me swoon. But a little bit of swagger never hurt anybody either.

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I worry that my idea of love...

... is not very realistic.

I blame that on Carrie and Big.

And couture. 

 

  

  

 

all images via vogue, june 2008

But according to my mother's wise words - it never looks like what you expect or want it to.

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Five Reasons Why I Love Dating Men Who Look Nothing Like Me

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I've always loved interracial couples. This is probably forced by the fact that I have never dated anyone who looks like me. Well... that's not true. There was that one security guard who worked at a bar near Fenway but his teeth were incorrigible and he lived with his grandma and once had his mom call me to tell me he said "hey"... so that ended real quick.

Anyway, I love dating boys who look (and sound) nothing like me. Below are five reasons why, most of which are inspired by an Old Flame from London who I still think I could marry if the timing were ever right.



**
He makes "us" look interesting
I always joke that I'm boring: I'm straight up African American, born and raised in Boston, and currently living in NYC. My parents were both born and raised in the south, prior to making the move to Boston before I came into the picture. *yawn* I'd love to have an interesting fact about myself, like my friend, who speaks Mandarin at home, or my bromo (brother from another mother), who thinks of Ackee as a staple of his diet. Dating a boy who looks and sounds nothing like me gives me a closer window into what feels like a different world.

He encourages me to try new things
I once dated a man who used to take me out all over the island of Manhattan. I felt glamorous, in that Carrie Bradshaw way where I never ate at the same place twice, and always found myself having a brilliant time. This man indulged my inner princess by ordering for me where ever we went. I loved every moment of it, especially because most items weren't on the menu but classic staples of his diet back home (he was not a native New Yorker). His ease in offering me new experiences encouraged me to approach my own life with the same amount of curiosity as I experienced with him. #Winning.

He introduces me to new music 
This post was primarily inspired by a song that came on shuffle while listening to my iPhone. Yes, it sounds like old school Backstreet Boys, but I met this man in 2005 so can you really blame us for the corny love songs? My iTunes has a nice little collection of recommended French R&B that I try and save for those special moments when I need to remember. But it's always a nice surprise when one of those sings comes on shuffle and makes my heart flutter.

The promise of an unexpected reunion
Last year, I found myself traveling to London and Dubai for work and realizing how blessed I was to take advantage of such a great opportunity. Even more so because Facebook (love it or hate it) alerted me that my Old Flame was living in Dubai. Our reunion was one of the most perfect nights of my life. Even better that it ended watching the sun come up in Dubai, where I found myself back in the cozy spot in his arms with his body wrapped around mine.

He gives me language lessons in bed
My favorite memory of my time with Old Flame was one night, after a beautiful dinner and home made pastries for dessert (did I mention he's a pastry chef?), we climbed in bed. As I found my cozy spot in his arms and he wrapped himself around me, he said through his thick French accent, "let me teach you something." Obviously, I said yes because men love to teach women new things. Little did I know, he was about to blow me away with some of the most beautiful French and Arabic I'd ever heard. I tried my hardest to repeat the words back, but I'm hopeless at learning and retaining languages. His effort to break the words up into easy to say syllables was extra romantic to me. The words and sentences he taught me I'll keep to myself. Not because they were inappropriate, but because there are some memories a girl simply must keep to herself.

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Disclaimer: I would gladly date a boy who looks like me, I just have yet to find one that gives me that Zsa Zsa Zsu. Think you have what it takes? I'm accepting applications.

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Love at first sight

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What is True Love?

Came across this video on Angela Yee's blog and had to re-post it here. It's a super cute video (part 1) of 5 people trying to answer the title question: "What is True Love?"

It's a piece shot by Studio 190 for convention magazine, a creative space focusing on the emotions and thoughts behind everything, be it fashion, artwork, etc. Enjoy:

WHAT IS TRUE LOVE? (Part One) from SPACE190 on Vimeo.

♥

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Five Reasons Why I Love Pretty Boys

My friends often have something to say about the type of guy I find myself falling for. They are incredibly well dressed, devastatingly handsome, and always pretty. Think: Blair Underwood/Jason Lewis. I can't help it; I like a guy to look good. When I express interest in a dude who looks like he forgot to shower, the reaction is very similar to the shocked g-chat emoticon:

Here are my five reasons Why I Love Pretty Boys:

He loves to shop
This is important because I love to shop. I could shop for hours on end, spend hours in the dressing room making sure the items are right, and will spend the day bogged down with bags all for a hard day's work. In fact, shopping is in my blood - my mother calls shopping "fieldwork" because it really is work. Be it online, in the stores, or otherwise, we will go to town making sure we get the best deals and the best items. If he loves to shop, it means we won't have any of those "but how long can you really shop for??" and "are we done yet???" arguments when I'm just getting into the heat of my purchasing.

I'm never worried about what he'll show up wearing
I've dated the guy who needs outfit direction and it's exhausting. Well, wait, don't get me wrong... it can be fun to play dress up with your man, mostly because you both end up naked anyway. But there is nothing more calming than knowing that no matter where you go, your boo will show up dressed appropriately. No jeans around his knees, no Air Force Ones when he should be wearing Prada Loafers. Phew - crisis averted.

He won't judge my exploding closet
Because his looks just like mine. But he's a boy so most of it is all over his floor too. This is also a key point because it makes me feel great that most of my closet is in my Carrie & Aidan inspired arm chair. Oops.

He doesn't know how to dress down
Let it be noted that with all this "pretty boy" stuff, one may have concerns if said "pretty boy" likes "pretty girls". The true test for me (aside from the one in the bedroom) is how he dresses down because he doesn't really know how and ends up wearing crazy colors that only a dude wouldn't care about. Trust that if you look like a real hot mess, you'll have me at "eep!"

When he goes scruffy, it's a nice surprise
Please. Don't deny the scruff. PLEASE. Because I love it. It allows me to indulge in my occasional bad boy fantasies if my pretty boy is looking a little rough around the edges. It's also a nice surprise when we see each other shortly after your shape up. Keeping that element of surprise alive keeps the butterflies flying in my belly.

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What I'm drinking this week: my roommate often goes to this itty bitty liquor store a few blocks from our apartment. Ever since she mentioned it when she was buying a gift for her man, I've meant to check it out. Last night I discovered they have more of my favorite wine than even Trader Joe's! Thanks for the tip, roomie :).

This week I'm drinking a beautiful South African Sauvignon Blanc by Indaba Wines. Yum.

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There Was Something About Him

a fictional short story

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There was something about him, with his kind eyes and gentle smile, that she just couldn't let go of. There was something about him with his shy gaze and sweet disposition, that just sent her sailing.

She saw him every morning at her local coffee shop, Dunkin Donuts. She liked him because he liked the Beantown coffee staple as much as she did, though they both lived in Astoria, Queens (her favorite NYC borough).

She ordered her usual, a large regular coffee, skim milk, no sugar.

"No sugar??" they always asked.

"Yes, no sugar" she'd reply, thinking I get that from my mom. She'd wait, watching him out the corner of her eye, enjoying his coffee and the AM daily. An unconventional newspaper choice to enjoy over coffee that made her swoon even more.

They saw each other often, being in the same morning schedule and all, but had never uttered a word. Just a quick glance and a shy smile.



***

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She had taken to listening to Sade's Please Send Me Someone to Love as she went about her morning routine. she felt it was a simple request. She crossed her fingers as she listened for good luck, and treated the song like one of her daily affirmations.

One lazy Saturday, we woke up early and went to her favorite Dunkin Donuts on a whim. She sat at a table in the window and gazed outside. As she took her last sip of coffee and the lyrics progressed...

Heaven please send to all mankind, / Understanding and peace of mind. / But if it's not asking too much, / Please send me someone to love.

... in he walked.

"Hey" he finally said.

"Hey" she said back, a little too quickly.

"John" he noted, pointing slightly at his chest.

"Hi..." she said dreamily. "Oh! Meena!" she remembered, looking down with embarrassment.

He held her stare, then went to the counter to order: "two regular coffees, skim milk, no sugar."

"No sugar??" they always asked.

"Yes, no sugar;" then he looked back at her, and smiled his gentle smile.

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They Say Hindsight is 20/20

"You know what, Albie? I'm glad Maiah's gone through heartbreak. She's really loved and lost."

Mom, appalled, looks at Dad with her best side eye and says: "what? why?"

"Because it's giving her some good hair on her back. She's a real tough chick."

My mother called me to relay this conversation with my father later that day. I fabricated the side eye, but I'm positive Mom slipped it in as she's pretty good at them.
At first I was feeling a way. I mean, who says they are glad for your heartbreak? ...But then, after discussing further I could see exactly what Dad was trying to say in a way that only Dad's can. The heartbreak isn't what's good. It's the life experiences. The lessons learned. The strength and wisdom gained.

But of course, when you're drowning your sorrows in Ben & Jerry's (or in my case, mango sorbet) with a bottle of wine (who needs a glass?), the last thing you want to hear is "you're learning great lessons."

Fuck a lesson! I've got a broken heart and a carton full of calories to ingest!


Later, I'm sitting in my favorite hookah bar with my favorite male friend, talking about none other than the always important topic of sex and relationships. Reminiscing about our past break ups, we found ourselves laughing at the transition from "sniffling baby" to "social butterfly and dater". One day, it feels like you'll never make it out alive, and the next day - you feel like a million bucks.

The thing is, there's always strength on the horizon, and that makes me think that every experience with someone, be it your significant other, your faux-friend is a learning experience. But don't worry, I'll wait to admit that until I'm fully healed because the say hindsight is 20/20.

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